please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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