Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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