i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize