They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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