she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
