i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
