I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
