man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
