so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
