he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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