i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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