I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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