We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
