The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish my penis had a tongue
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
