she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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