I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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