i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
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