I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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