life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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