I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
