Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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