You don't have asthma, your pregnant
farters have to be the big spoon...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
