i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
