So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
