It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize