I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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