I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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