I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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