sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
