Just fell off a train. Bad.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to align my fucking chakras
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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