Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
