If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
