I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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