So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
