the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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