Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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