Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
