her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I could make wine with my vomit
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
