kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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