I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
