Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
