I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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