Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The power of my boobs compel you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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