I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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