last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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