the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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