just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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