a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The beer is more important than you right now.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
