Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
