3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
