Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
