I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
