I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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