Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
