I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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