toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
this hospital has no fireball
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
