Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
