Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
